LinkedIn Influencer, Dr. Travis Bradberry , published this
post originally on LinkedIn.
My last post, How Successful People Stay Calm , really struck a
nerve (it's already approaching 1.5 million reads here on
LinkedIn). The trick is that managing your emotions is as much
about what you won’t do as it is about what you will do.
TalentSmart has tested more than a million people and found
that the upper echelons of top performance are filled with people
who are high in emotional intelligence (90% of top performers, to
be exact). So, I went back to the data to uncover the kinds of
things that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in
order to keep themselves calm, content, and in control. They
consciously avoid these behaviors because they are tempting
and easy to fall into if one isn’t careful.
While the list that follows isn’t exhaustive, it presents nine key
things that you can avoid in order to increase your emotional
intelligence and performance.
1. They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from
comparing yourself to others, you are no longer the master of
your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel
good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s
opinions or accomplishments take that away from them.
While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others
think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and
you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That
way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your
self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think
of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re
never as good or bad as they say you are.
2. They Won’t Forget
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that
doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of
what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean
you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Emotionally intelligent
people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others’
mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in
protecting themselves from future harm.
3. They Won’t Die in the Fight
Emotionally intelligent people know how important it is to live to
fight another day. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig
your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you
severely damaged. When you read and respond to your
emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and only
stand your ground when the time is right.
4. They Won’t Prioritize Perfection
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target
because they know it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very
nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always
left with a nagging sense of failure, and you end up spending
your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and what you
should have done differently instead of enjoying what you were
able to achieve.
Related: Caffeine: The Silent Killer of Success (LinkedIn)
5. They Won’t Live in the Past
Failure can erode your self-confidence and make it hard to
believe you’ll achieve a better outcome in the future. Most of the
time, failure results from taking risks and trying to achieve
something that isn’t easy. Emotionally intelligent people know
that success lies in their ability to rise in the face of failure, and
they can’t do this when they’re living in the past. Anything worth
achieving is going to require you to take some risks, and you
can’t allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to
succeed. When you live in the past, that is exactly what happens,
and your past becomes your present, preventing you from
moving forward.
6. They Won’t Dwell on Problems
Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state.
When you fixate on the problems that you’re facing, you create
and prolong negative emotions and stress, which hinders
performance. When you focus on actions to better yourself and
your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that
produces positive emotions and improves performance.
Emotionally intelligent people won’t dwell on problems because
they know they’re most effective when they focus on solutions.
7. They Won’t Hang Around Negative People
Complainers are bad news because they wallow in their
problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join
their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves.
People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they
don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line
between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their
negative emotional spiral. You can avoid getting drawn in only
by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think
of it this way: if a person were smoking, would you sit there all
afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance
yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great
way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix a
problem. The complainer will then either quiet down or redirect
the conversation in a productive direction.
Related: The 6 Secrets of Self-Control (LinkedIn)
8. They Won’t Hold Grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are
actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event
involved sends your body into fight-or-flight mode. When a
threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but
when a threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks
havoc on your body and can have devastating health
consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory
University have shown that holding onto stress contributes to
high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a grudge
means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent
people know to avoid this at all costs. Learning to let go of a
grudge will not only make you feel better now but can also
improve your health.
9. They Won’t Say Yes Unless They Really Want To
Research conducted at the University of California in San
Francisco shows that the more difficulty that you have saying
no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and
even depression. Saying no is indeed a major challenge for most
people. “No” is a powerful word that you should not be afraid to
wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally intelligent people
avoid phrases like “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.”
Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing
commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully
fulfill them.
Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author
of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 , and the cofounder of TalentSmart,
the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests,
emotional intelligence training , and emotional intelligence
certification , serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies.
His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages.
Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek,
BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today,
The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard
Business Review.
DR. TRAVIS BRADBERRY
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